Ambien Ramblings

This time last month I was miserable. With a capital M. I was bloated (I weighed approx. 40 lbs heavier), I was hurting, tired, and most importantly I COULDN'T POOP. And believe me, when you can't poop, it hurts. Especially after 7 weeks of not having a number two. This time last month I was in and out of the hospital (with never any answers), taking pain killers like they were jelly beans, and trying to tell my doctors that something was wrong with my body. One of my vices is all of the medical shows on Discovery Health Channel, specifically "Mystery Diagnosis." It amazes me that people live for years with no answers, no solution, no diagnosis to explain why their body is turning against them. I can't believe that if I would have stayed with my original GI doc, I would still be trying a castor oil/ enema/ bowel prep diet. It has almost been a month since I had this "operation." This removal of a major organ (may she rest in peace). I think with all major decisions you second guess yourself, however in my case, I second guessed my surgeon (what if he is taking it out just because I keep calling, demanding answers, and this is the only way to shut me up?). Having my post- op appointment this past week answered all of my uncertainties. He didn't just remove my colon because he didn't like me, he did it because of all the nerve damage. It's hard to NOT have doubts, I guess. The week after surgery I wouldn't look at my belly. The nurses would come in and I would turn the other way. Stoma? I didn't want anything to do with it. The week I got discharged I couldn't change my bag by myself, I needed my mom because I didn't want to touch it (but I was making progress...). AND, I didn't want anyone telling me that "you get used to it", "life is so much better with it", or "life will get back to normal." I am 3 weeks post op. 3 weeks that I have had to think, journal, and "get used" to having my poop in a bag on my stomach. (Get ready- TMI) I was using the bathroom earlier today (I pee and then empty my bag) and for the first time didn't cry, gripe, or feel handicapped because I have an ostomy. I have been running errands (1 or 2 a day) and ultimately have to use the public restroom- and it's not so bad. I am getting more comfortable in my new skin. More confident. The place I am in now is not the place I was in when I got out of surgery. I have noticed that my energy level is at places it hasn't been at in months, I WANT to do fun stuff again (maybe a Rangers Game this week?). I placed my first order of all of my supplies. I got bags, stoma paste, barrier wipes (non-sting), and deodorant gel. And, insurance covered 100%- which I still can't believe... There are still things I am scared of- blockages, infections, the disease spreading to my small intestines... but for right now, I accept this. I accept that in order for me to be full of energy, happy, and working, I need to mourn the loss of my colon and MOVE ON. I'm sure one day I will have a blockage. And I will get an infection. But for right now- THIS VERY MOMENT- I am ok.