Nine

9 years ago tonight I was in the hospital awaiting the birth of M. It was swift and easy- the exact opposite of her personality. It was the most important day of my life. That night at the tiny hospital in Salisbury, Maryland is one I will never forget. I will never forget her first smile, the first time she rolled over, the first time she crawled or walked (ran), the first time she told me what she wanted, when she wanted, or the first day of preschool. Every aspect of her life is something that I had a part of and I will always be grateful for that. She turns 9 tomorrow morning at 10 am and we will celebrate every minute of it.

Pass it On

This time last week, after just getting out of the hospital, I was bitter, pissed, and hated the world. I was in pain, I couldn't sleep, and I wanted to find a way out of life. My body had turned against me, it was out of my control. I heard (via various blogs) that it gets easier, changed/emptying the bag, the feelings you have regarding carrying around a bag 'o poo, feelings and apprehensions you have going anywhere. The thing is- I can't stop thinking about it, but the thoughts have changed from I HATE IT TAKE IT AWAY to Hey- this isn't so bad; I might make it after all. So what has changed? Staying busy- staying busy keeps my mind busy and my heart happy. Surrounded by friends- the keep the humor level way up, but let me shed some tears if I need it. Realizing that this my life now. This bag is as apart me as my left thumb. I need to function- to live. I recognize that I'm probably not completely through the healing process, but I feel good that I am just making it.

This picture shows the wicked cool ring my mom got me for Mother's Day. It's a Kindness Ring, The ring comes with several different color strings so you can change it out and each string means something really neat. Like my ring I have it tied with a white bow to remind me to breath, relax and accept peace. The ring goes 'oh so well' with the beautiful blue mani/ pedi I had with a very good friend.

Deuce

There are so many blogs out there for individuals living with ostomy bags. Those that have them temporarily, those that have them permanently, those that have them because they have UC or Crohns or IBD, and then there's... me. I have one because I have an autoimmune disease that just. won't. quit. I am 30 years old and I feel worse than my 90 year old grandmother. How does one cope with this? This life that is not fair. This life that is full of pain and hurt and uncomfortable situations (because that shower I had after surgery? chaperoned by my nurse). I have to carry around a bag of poop, there is nothing glamorous or sexy or trendy about that. Before the surgery I was pushing about 150 lbs. Now? About 110 lbs. I get excited about spring- the change in weather, clothes, and the FLIP FLOPS! It's in the 80's out and I am wearing a BAG OF POOP. It's hot and uncomfortable. It's not fair. I am so angry at people. People that are eating fast food (ummm... hello? colon health) or those that are trying to get the closest parking spot so they don't have to walk as far (ummm... hello? colon health) or the ones that drink the Extra Big Gulp (how 'bout some water?) I didn't realize how much your colon does for you and how well you have to treat it. Because, I know now... and boy, do I have regrets.

Number 2

This is me. In a scooter. At Walmart. I kept getting stares, like people were trying to figure out what my disability was- for sure next time I going to carry around beer and keep them guessing.

Days are much easier than nights, for sure... I can't get into a comfortable sleeping position. It (bag o' poo) keeps getting in the way. That and my total and complete "empty" feeling from not having anything to fill my abdominal cavity. I will adjust, I know this. I know that "life goes on" and "this will make me a better person;" I just DON'T feel that NOW, and I really need it. I have learned more about my intestines in the past few months than I thought possible- and "if I would have known now what I knew then?" I would have treated my body like a temple. I would have had gallons of water each day. I would have exercised. I would have stopped the cokes on the way to work (now when I drink coke my bag inflates.) I would have chosen fruits instead of sweets and vegetables instead of meats. Evidently I was totally ignoring what God/ the Universe was trying to tell me the past few months and this is how they really get the point across. I'll try and pay attention more next time, because this new "bag?" is not fun and I can't imagine what else they would throw my way.

Listening to: Hem

Reading: The Opposite of Me

Wearing: (Ethel), stretch pants, oversized purple shirt (feeling pretty confident that this will be my attire for the time being.

Punctuation Marks

Dear Colon,

You were in my life for a lovely 30 (almost 31) years and you were good to me. Until. Until March. Until you decided you would rather keep the poop in, instead of letting it come out. That was mean and uncalled for, but I think you got the worst of this deal. It was such a long standoff that I can't really remember the very beginning anymore and who cares how it started? How is it going to end? After arguing, calling, and harassing the doctors at UT Southwestern, I got the medical attention I deserved. I was my own advocate. I truly put my heart and soul into getting the appropriate medical care. As I read blogs and websites about other people in my situation, I see the years these patients have to wait for the surgery I got in less than two months, am I lucky? You see, Colon, I am torn. Am I lucky? I traded you for Ethel. Ethel is happy and loves to poop. She likes to be hidden and makes the funniest sounds when the room is quiet. You, Colon, were discreet and normal. Until two months ago; then you were a rebellious teenager. I was informed. I knew what a coloscopy/ coloectomy was; what I didn't know? The pain and irritation that would follow. The severe pain that my small intestines produced because the doctors waited so long that they were shutting down. So, Colon, I hope you enjoy your life at the hands of medical students dissecting my "amazing" colon. Colon, you will not take my life- there is much living to do.

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What exactly did I have done?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ileostomy

One (Wo)Man's Trash is Another (Wo)Man's Treasure

When I go into an antique store (or a garage sale) I have a list of quirky items I look for- dominos, all kinds of game pieces, small toys that can be turned into charms, black and white pictures, chandelier crystals, vintage dictionaries, and any Golden Book- just to name a few. I get giddy with the anticipation of turning something into a piece of art, something that will be treasured and worn. For three years I have hunted and experimented with different ways to create jewelry, I hoard all types of craft books, I check 30+ crafty blogs obsessively, and I long to be surrounded with people to create with- and an unlimited amount of time to do it. Two weeks ago I was sent an invitation to become a member of Etsy Fort Worth. I have my first meeting on Thursday and I am apprehensive about going. What if they don't like me? What if my pieces aren't good enough? What if don't fit in?

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to create something everyday- no matter how tired I am. As I was getting an order ready to ship I saw a Loteria Card in my "tool" box. A cactus. A cactus is a perfect representation of how I view myself- able to endure all types of environment with little maintaining. For the past three years I have looked for who I am, who I want to be, and who I will become. I think 2010 is going to phenomenal year.

Open the Door, Close the Window

I promise... to not promise. I always get introspective at the beginning of the year- so many new year's resolutions to eat healthy, exercise more, spend less... and all they remind me of is all the past year's failures. Therefore, I am taking a new, different, and more "Casey" approach to 2010. Everyday I want to create something- whether it be jewelry or a blog post, 2010 will be the year of "Creation."