Morgan recently became interested in Legos. She has been passing up playing on her iPad or watching TV and going straight for the Lego sets we have been picking up at Target. The bigger the better. Legos prove to be quite an internal battle for me; I don't like clutter, I don't like 'toys' left out, but, she has been working so hard on getting them put together I can't bear to just pack them up- so currently they are displayed on the counter in the kitchen.
Since my "early retirement" on March 28th I have been working on 'building' my new life. I worked in the same profession for the same national program for 7 years, I was good with my clients and enjoyed spending time with my co-workers/ friends. It's been two weeks since I left my job and I have a routine. A routine of television shows, cleaning, and napping- but a routine none the less. Everyone asked me what I was going to do now that I am not working and I realized that I really just want to do nothing. 3 years ago on April 23rd I had a total colectomy and since then (I hate to say it) but it has gone down hill. Every procedure, every surgery, every illness came with symptoms, pain, and guilt. Guilt that I wasn't at work, guilt that I wasn't a participating member of my family, guilt that I had to cancel plans all the time. Since April 2010 I haven't focused on ME. I was always trying to push through, "I just need to get back to work," "I just need to get to the weekend to rest," "I just need to get through this day so I can go to bed." And to be honest, it sucked.
For the past few days I have been making lists, setting "now that I'm not working" goals, scheduling FUN appointments. I'm not going to lie, it's hard. A few things i have learned is to not make commitments and always expect NOT to feel good, so retraining my brain is taking some work.
As I pass Morgan's Lego town in the kitchen I am reminded how hard it is to build (time, energy, etc..) but also how easy it is to tear down. So, for the next few weeks I'm focusing on building my new life- if only I had an instruction booklet.
When i mentioned earlier that we were similar in nature, i had no idea just how much.
ReplyDeleteFocusing on you. probably one of the most impossible things you've ever had to do before? Me too.
Sending love.
(& new books oxox)